Last Saturday, I had a spiritual awakening. It truly felt magical.
Many of us move on quickly from our past, especially if we had an unpleasant one. We like to push it out of our conscious mind, box it away somewhere deep and far. My teen years are definitely a time period that I don’t want to get back to. I was living in an abusive household. Then, at 16, my brother and I were living on our own while attending high school, without any adult supervision. Our mentally ill father had finally abandoned us. I felt that I had no power to change anything.
Needless to say, I don’t like to go down that memory lane and relive the past.
For many years, I felt that I had become an entirely different person. I no longer think of myself as an artist with no logical thinking abilities, as I used to think of myself back then, and for many years following. Now I have different standards, much higher than I used to hold. I have completely changed my belief systems. During transformation, it’s easy to forget the Self of the past and render that the part as no longer relevant. It feels easier to toss that one in the trash. The only belief systems that I still have from back then are these: I believe in love, I believe in humanity, I believe that love is the solution to all problems. Except for those beliefs, I am unrecognizable from the Self I was.
In many sense, I am divided. In my experience, most of us are.
Then, Saturday happened.
My friend sent me a meditation recording he created, which guides to open up all the chakras. I had a long day with 4 coaching sessions, and I was feeling a bit tired. I still had to go to the gym before I call it a night. I was so intrigued by this meditation that I decided to push my gym schedule until a bit later. I am so glad I did.
The meditation went on, and I did not sense anything too unusual. I went to the gym, came back, and had a shower. This is when my life completely transformed.
I recently started learning guitar with my 9-year-old son. We signed up together so I can help him be motivated. He is not very keen on music and art, so he needs a lot of encouragement in this area.
It must have been a combination of many factors. It was the fact that I was learning a new instrument and playing music again. Music was a huge part of my life. From the time I was very young, I got obsessed with piano. My father was not interested in giving me lessons, so I convinced my aunt to sign me up when I was living with her over the summer. I sporadically had piano lessons through my aunt, and the rest I self-taught myself to play classical pieces from books. As a child, we moved a lot. By the time I was 11, I had lived in 3 different countries and attended at least 5 elementary schools. During the times when I did not have a piano at home, I went into the school music room at 8 am to practice for an hour before school started. The school music teacher was bewildered and impressed. She had never seen a child do such things. She phoned my father to give me lessons. Again, he did not think it was important. The arts were not important to him, and in fact, it was looked down upon. At home, every time I asked for music lessons or fees for my art activities, I carried guilt that I had done something wrong. In high school, I played the flute in the band. Needless to say, music was a huge part of my childhood, until, in grade 11, after our father left us, I decided to quit everything to do what I am supposed to do: concentrate on academics so I can attend university. I believed that this was the only way that I can make my life better. I also knew that music costs extracurricular fees, and I knew I could not pay that as a 16-year-old who could barely pay rent.
It must have been a combination of a few factors. The fact that I opened myself up energetically through the guided meditation. The fact that I had physically pushed myself at the gym, even when I was already tired and it was getting late; I showed myself self-love. I was learning a new instrument in a class setting took me back emotionally to my childhood. Then, that morning, the singer Sarah Mclachlan was mentioned. I used to listen to her a lot in high school. I always thought of her as special because she is a local international musician. I had not thought about her much recently, except for a few months ago when I met the marketing extraordinare who transformed Sarah’s career. That meeting became relevant again as I was having this spiritual experience. Sarah’s music was very influencial during my teen years.
Back in the present, I was showering after a long day of: playing guitar; 4 fulfilling coaching sessions helping my clients; opening up my chakras; having a full body workout of 1 hour an 45 minutes. The water was soothing me. I always finish my showers with ice cold water. I started to have flashbacks of me as my 16 year-old self. I was sitting on the windowsill, singing the song Angel by Sarah Mclachlan. Then, I remembered another song by Jewel that I started singing that too. This experience transported me back in time. It took me back physically to that moment on the windowsill on a sunny day. I started to remember my friends from back then. I started to feel how much I value them. Few I am still in touch with, and one is still my best friend. I remembered a few people who I connected with briefly back then, but who are no longer a part of my life. One particular person stood out. I contemplated the idea that I should write him and reach out.
When I finished my shower, as I wrapped myself in a towel, I saw a silky, airy, smoke like substance. Rather than actual smoke, it was more flowing like water, floating weightlessly. It came into my body. It flowed quietly and ran into my body with full force in a split second. The whole thing took only about half a second. This being, this translucent, silky, liquid, smoke-like form, was my 16 year-old self. I started to reconnect with her with every one of my senses. Her innocense, her heart full of hope, her love and passion for creativity and expression… the part of me that I had jailed away in a box far away from my consciousness. The girl who knew how to feel and enjoy things for no reason. The girl who didn’t wear suits, but walked around barefoot in the grass. The girl who made flower crowns. The girl who wrote poetry, painted, and drew portraits and flowers every single day. The girl who was open to everything and everyone. I had locked her away, jailed her away from existing because I did not want to feel or remember. In order to fully experience my own transformation, to fully expand, to become one with myself, I had to release her. And I did. She is free.
I found myself saying, ‘Welcome home. After years of detours, I’m finally back. Because I tried to be so many things, and nothing felt better than being home.’
I am always teaching my clients how to be connected to their emotional self, that we must be willing to accept and feel all spectrums of emotions in order to be fully present in life. I realize that this work never ends. In that moment in the bathroom, I fully accepted myself, after 17 years of detour. I love myself fully and completely. I suddenly appreciate myself more than ever. I started to remember my journey of dysfunctional relationships, and the broken Self and marriage as something extraordinary. I cry in release. In the mirror, in my face, I see my daughter. I am shocked to see in the mirror that I look just like her when I cry. I appreciate my body, my being, my history, fully and completely. I am impressed by the life I built. I am standing in a strange universe in the eyes of my 16 year-old self. My beautiful bathroom. I can feel the in-floor heating, standing on my feet. My body looks different now after multiple child births. I am different the body my 16 year-old is used to. My 16 year-old Self smiles. She looks just like my daughter. She says, ‘Look at you. During the detour, you had 2 children. And you’re living the life you want. I could never imagined all that.’ In my spirit, I have become one.