I have a confession to make.
For over a decade, starting from my late teens, until almost 30, I was busy doing self-development.
I knew I had a highly traumatic upbringing (I score a 10/10 in the Adverse Childhood Experience Questionnaire). I knew I needed work more than other people around me.
I wanted success. I wanted a better future.
I studied psychology in university, and diligently attended therapy sessions…. for over 10 years!
Yet, not much changed.
Even with years of therapy and the pursuit of a purposeful, peaceful mindset, at 29, I found myself in a terrible rock bottom, broke, as a single mom of 2 very young children.
When my marriage broke, I also quickly realized that I had surrounded myself with inauthentic relationships. I found myself without reliable social support when I needed close connections the most, even though I had invested heavily in these relationships for years.
I thought, “I must be so broken and unfixable.”
Can you relate?
What is wrong is “the model” that we rarely question?
We go to therapy for years, feel better at the moment, yet, not much changes when we leave the therapist’s office.
You’re not broken.
There are 2 main reasons why conventional therapy doesn’t work, or it takes so long:
- You pay-per-session, or pay-as-you-go, so you’ll drop out and quit when it gets too hard, or when you feel a bit better. Like most people, this is what did for over a span of a decade. Imagine going to a personal trainer sporadically, and never doing anything different after you leave the session. You will never change your health.
- Most regular type of therapy focuses on your conscious mind. The thoughts and feelings you’re aware of. You talk for hours about your problems. You word vomit, feel better, get some tips, and leave.
What I needed to do, and what you need to do, is to understand the power of your subconscious mind.
- The human subconscious rules 95%-97% of all your automatic decision making, judgment process, and subsequent actions. It’s what actually controls all your life outcome.
- The subconscious is below your consciousness level, and you will not know what is beneath your conscious thoughts and feelings. The true definition of the subconscious is that it is deeply concealed. The aspects of you that you’re not consciously aware of controls you the most.
- You also need to acknowledge that all your relationship and money problems, as well as any life and career dissatisfactions, are due to the root causes that underlie in the subconscious.
When you’re stuck, your conscious mind wants something, but your subconscious is resistant to it.
Until I learned to collaborate my conscious desires with my subconscious mind, I saw no progress in my life and business progress and satisfaction.
This is the exact story for my clients as well.
Why you can’t seem to change: How the brain works
The brain is a complex, yet a very predictable, and paradoxically a simple organ.
The human mind is wired to help you survive at all costs. Your brain’s main mission is to keep you alive as long as it can. Knowing this, you can predict the patterns of behavior in people, based on how they were conditioned to survive the jungles of childhood, during their formative years.
Another unique aspect of the brain is that it is highly visual, and this is true even for people who claim not to be. If your mind wasn’t visual, you would never have dreams while sleeping. There is no one in the world who hasn’t had a dream in their sleep.
When you see pictures in your mind, and hear “thoughts” or words, you feel.
These emotions are what dictates all your actions.
This is true, for even the most logical, analytical people.
If you don’t think this is you, ask yourself when was the last time you worried about something, and what you regularly have anxiety about.
Even when you know something is not true, when you see a mental picture, or think certain thoughts (hear words), you have an emotional response.
Remember the last time you saw a fictional scary movie or a crime show. There are studies that demonstrate that after watching fiction horror films, people become a lot more guarded, distrusting, and pessimistic.
These pictures and images, and the corresponding emotional states, ruminate in people’s mind long after they are finished watching something terrifying and gory.
If a fiction horror film can have these effects to adults who are well aware that none of it is real, imagine what negative past experiences can do to you, if you don’t learn to manage these ruminating thoughts and feelings.
Repeating similar scenarios is what causes negative habits and automatic thoughts. With enough repetition, it becomes your automatic way of being. Automatic thoughts and feelings become a part of your identity.
It’s never about experiencing a specific negative event, nor a series of consequences, that wires you to become unhappy and pessimistic.
Repetition ingrains the meanings of what the events mean, and becomes generalized as “reality.”
You may say, “I’m a very positive person, so it makes no sense that I have negative results!”
The mental pictures and words that you are not aware of, are the ones that control you the most.
If you have repeating negative results, you are unwittingly having negative mental and emotional experiences at a daily basis.
During your formative years, your brain’s main job is collecting data on how to survive better. One of the ways it learns to survive is favoring what’s familiar.
Certainty is safer than the unknown, even if the experiences you’ve had were not good for you. As long has it has helped you survive, the subconscious mind will seek what you already know, rather than venturing out towards something unfamiliar, even though you consciously know that it is better for you.
The more you’ve repeated a set of thoughts-action neural pathways, the more you repeat the same pattern automatically. You also make choices based on what is the most prominent neural pathway pattern.
This is exactly the condition people suffer from when they believe that they are “broken.”
This is why someone with a lot of long-term childhood trauma like myself, had a hard time achieving success. When you have had many years of negative experiences, as well as similar negative pictures and hear pessimistic words continuously repeat at the subconscious level, the past ends up shaping your reality.
So the question is, how can you rewire your fearful and negative subconscious mindset to a positive, high performance mindset, to give you the positive results that you consciously desire?
How To Control Your Subconscious Mind:
There are a few great habits, which you may have heard of, such as meditation and positive affirmation. A continuous meditation practice helps you unveil your internal state.
These practices help you see what actually ruminates in your mind continuously, which has become normalized, and you are not even aware of.
One downside is that positive affirmations only work to change your life when you are open to the statements, and have 100% faith that it’s true for you.
Repeated positive experiences help your subconscious to accept what is in your affirmations. Until you have a whole body experience and acceptance that the affirmation statements are true, your subconscious mind will not allow them in. That’s why just reciting aspirational affirmations are futile.
An important aspect of controlling you subconscious mind’s desires, is to make sure that you give it positive experiences that match your conscious desires. Repetition is key.
It’s a simple process that is much harder to practice consistently, particularly because what is required to change our brain is to go against the strong patterns that have been repeated and ingrained for decades.
Controlling your subconscious mind to get what you want has to do with outsmarting your survival brain. You need to learn to navigate through the automatic resistance that you’ll feel, even what you automatically want to fiercely protect as your non-negotiable reality.
Reality is all based on our repeated thoughts, feelings, and the meanings we created from experiences.
What helps immensely when it comes to changing your brain, is to surround yourself with people who are in a similar success journey.
If you are an entrepreneur and you need a community like this, join my Entrepreneur Success Facebook group. In this group, we run weekly free training on topics that help you rewire your subconscious mind to a successful mindset.
You also need to find yourself an expert. Someone who is both scientific and intuitive who can help you through the process. Someone who can give you an expert, third person perspective. When pressure from life hits, and it’s not so easy to practice “positive thinking” and affirmations. This is when people fall back to their old patterns.
Getting help is especially important because we’ve been doing the same thing for decades, and our blind spots get in the way of noticing which negative patterns have become so normalized, and you’re not aware of it.
Why are experts better compared to friends and family?
Simple. Family and friends often let their own experiences cloud their advice. An experienced expert has been trained in the workings of the human mind and behavior. They have also seen, heard, experienced life from a large variety of clients, they have a thorough understanding of human conditions, so they are able to give you objective guidance.
Anyone who thinks they can achieve a big feat such as rewiring the brain alone, is not being realistic. It’s about time that we stop believing in the term “self-made.” There is no such thing.
People who claim to be self-made had a great support system, and a mentor who was able to guide them and mentor them to the right direction. Every self-made person had people who stood by them and offered them opportunities and guidance.
It’s tricky to find a good expert who deals with the subconscious mind, who is a good fit for you. The most important aspect is how much you resonate with this person, and how much they are able to understand you at a deep level. Make sure to meet and connect with different experts to choose the right fit. Finding the right expert is also not about choosing the most famous or popular person, it’s about finding the one that clicks with YOU.
WATCH MY VIDEO HERE to find out more about how to assess a popular guru’s marketing, versus whether it will actually help you, and what to look out for when choosing an expert for yourself.